Dear Nora,
Upon reading your poem "Loss and Gain" in The Household Book of Poetry, I found I had some suggestions which you may find particularly useful in continuing to edit your poem.
To begin, I believe that your subject has special significance, especially when using the poetic form. It seems that such a sensitive, heart-wrenching topic would be rather difficult to deal with in the form of a short story or novel -- that poetry possesses the unique ability to capture emotions and thoughts with relatively little explanation. However, while your form in general may be correct for dealing with your subject matter, I feel that a different type of poetry may do a better job of communicating your feelings to the audience. The singsong nature of the aabb rhyme scheme and regular meter used throughout your poem truly detracts from its heavy subject matter. At times, I simply could not help but find myself caught up in the musical feel to the point where I nearly forgot that you were writing about the deaths of two small children. By adjusting your poem to free verse (or perhaps just a less rigid pattern) I think you will find that your words can have a greater impact on your reader.
For instance, let's play with the first stanza. Originally, it reads:
When the baby died, we said,
With a sudden, secret dread:
"Death, be merciful, and pass;--
Leave the other!"--but alas!
A possible (clearly imperfect!) adjustment to a more free verse:
After the baby's death, we wavered, pleading,
Secretly dreading,
"Death--
be merciful and pass; Leave
the other..."
However, alas!
Additionally, while I understand your desire to appeal to a mass audience, I find that your poem nonetheless does too much interpretation for your readers. Giving your audience a stand-alone image of an abandoned broken toy cluttered with small fingerprints without explaining the toy's significance for the parents could leave those readers with a greater sense of loss than when you fully explain your symbol (it "will remind them how the boy/And his sister charmed the days/With their pretty, winsome ways."). I would suggest going through your poem and reworking such symbols so that they leave an impression of emptiness and loss.
I have great expectations for your work!
Your editor,
Carolyn
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2 comments:
A very tactful letter, Editor Carolyn! Your point about the meter is spot on, especially in the way in which it detracts from the subject of the poem. It may be that the nineteenth-century audience for "Loss and Gain" would have had a difficult time understanding a more free-verse composition (like Whitman's)>
I love this blog! Editing Emily Dickinson! Who would think! Haha. i love the ideas you have as revision as well, I think you are really right about the things you say and the poem piece that you revised is really well done. I think you could be great poet too! Maybe you are?
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